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tabasco sauce and I   
10:55pm 28/02/2009
 
mood: apathetic
Carlos and I have been dating for a month now. Things are going okay. I wasn't quite sure how this was going to work out.. but it's working for now. I think I've actually come to like him a lot... and that freaks me out a bit I think. When I sit and think about it, I realize that he's actually a great guy. He works hard. He's well organized. He knows how to party. He knows what he wants in life. He has strong hobbies. He's quite sexy (haha) and we have a good time.

I think he's pretty serious about us.. which also frightens me. I think I just want to take this slow and have a good time.. and I think Carlos is thinking about the future. He plans for me to be in the future and that scares me. We've been keeping our relationship low key and we've only told a few people about us... because we don't know how things are going to pan out... Ive only told my brother and Ling... and he wants all of my friends to know.

He doesn't want to hide our relationship at school... which I don't like to mix those two around.. especially since I will be seeing the same people for the rest of my medical career. I don't want to be apart of gossip because I *know* I will turn into school gossip... and frankly, I'm not sure where this relationship is going so I don't want to announce anything when it might not even last.

My friends and I went to a club last night and Carlos met up with us later that night.. I had a good time and did my thing and I'm sure he did too. He didn't take liking into guys hitting on me at all.. which I find cute that he is quite territorial about me but I think it also spark his interest to publicize to everyone that we're together.

mmm.. sigh.		  
     

(Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
C-los ^-^   
07:03pm 11/02/2009
 
mood: happy
mm… I’m currently seeing someone. We’ve been dating officially for a little over a week now but I’ve know Carlos for almost 6 months. I don’t know how things will pan out, and I certainly didn’t see this one coming… but it has been good so far. He’s been extremely sweet to me and tries his best to get me to do my homework. xD xD

Apparently he had a crush on me for a while but he never said anything about it because he knew I had this thing for David for a while… and he tried things out with other girls… We’ve always been really good friends since the start of med school so I’m a bit hesitant about this relationship. I don’t want to ruin our friendship (especially since my carrel is right next to his and we share many friends). Plus most of our previous conversations have been about giving each other relationship advice. So what do we talk about now?

I made a comment a few days ago about how different we actually are… and in all honesty, we are extremely different people. He has seen my hobbies and he knows that we actually don’t share many things in common. He plays the guitar… has a band thing going on.. he has the motivation to work out everyday (and he has a way hawt bod and abs xD xD)… he goes out every weekend to drink and hit on girls. He room is surprisingly super clean and simple. He owns very few possessions and he works very hard…

My apartment is semi clean… but it has *many* possessions. Many toys.. many decorations.. many girly things. I don’t drink much although I do drink a little for social reasons… I don’t go out every weekend. I go clubbing maybe 1-2 a month if at all… and when I do go out, I don’t hit on guys haha… and guys who do hit on me I tend to avoid. Dancing plays a hefty amount of time in my life and at this moment, plays the only work out I get. I watch a lot of anime when I’m eating lunch/dinner. I’m horribly lazy when it comes to studying (which is probably why med school is kicking my arse horribly).

Aside from med school, our lives don’t overlap at all. Maybe that’s why things have worked out pretty well… or maybe it’s a temporary thing. Things have been good though. This weekend, he left me a gift in my carrel. When we were studying at half price books the other day, I grabbed a book on pugs and put it right next to me so that I can occasionally look at a cute pug while I study. He went back the next day and bought it… and he also bought me a naruto bookmark. = )

It has been a bit of a struggle for me to look at Carlos as more than a friend. I know so much about him and he knows a lot about me. We’ve talked a lot in the past. I’ve told him so many things because we were such good friends. He use to tell me everything about his life like I was good male friend. He use to tell me about his Friday night adventures in a play by play story line. And when he gets some action, we use to high five about it. It’s good that we were such close friends in the past, but it also means I know a lot about Carlos and his character. I know that he’s been sleeping around the past 6 months. I know he didn’t take half of those girls seriously. I know sex plays a huge role in his relationships even though he says that it doesn’t matter for us.

He always compliments me in everything I do and I know he genuinely means all of them. In fact he just confessed to me last night about how much he seriously cared for me and wanted this relationship to work on a long-term basis. It's not that I don't feel the same way but I'm really exercising caution this time around... and I think we both have a lot at stake here since we were such good friends prior to this. I can tell he's extremely invested in me already and fairly attached... and I'm doing my best to take one step at a time. I guess we'll see how things pan out.

I am trying my best to be smart. I know that in the past I’ve been fairly committed in my relationships… and I’m not saying it was a bad quality, but I feel like that I’m suppose to learn from my past as well. Trying my best to keep seeing my friends without Carlos there… sleeping alone in my apartment without him crashing next to me… preparing food enough for one person rather than two people… not call him every night.. not make plans with him on every Friday night so I can still hang out with my own friends… continue to study with my click and not join his… continue to sit with Erica and David in class…Just not trying to single myself out from my classmates and friends in general. I don’t want to depend on him. I don’t want to get use to him being there. I don’t want to feel or be helpless when he’s not there. I don’t want him to fill a void.		  
     

(Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
Medschool is humbling   
08:10pm 07/01/2009
 
mood: thoughtful
I use to think that I'm a pretty normal/average girl. I'm certainly not perfect, particularly smart, beautiful, fun, or possess any unique quality. Even as a package, I thought I was a regular mediocre girl.

But going to medical school has given me a second opportunity to meet many individuals. Everyone is different and compelling in their own way. Everyone excels in their own domain and everyone here have great things to offer. David Zhang lives an extremely well balanced life with a sense of humor at all levels. Carlos works hard to achieve his goals, but knows how to have a good time. Teasa may have promiscuous qualities that I don't find appealing, but I can't deny that she is a pretty girl who is actually quite smart and talented. David Liang is like a role model student but finds time to joke around. Alvin may not live a balanced life and may procrastinate, but he is incredibly smart. Ray is incredibly nice. Erica and Diana have good study habits, good manners, and maintain a healthy social life that isn't extreme in either direction.

Everywhere I look and everyone I meet makes me feel that much less of a person. Many of these people possess qualities I wish I had... Being around these people make me feel inferior. I can't compete with any of them. In many ways, I feel like I don't belong here... and even if I did, I certainly cannot pass as mediocre. Even when I hold conversations with them, I feel like the information I know is inappropriate for conversing. In many ways, I'm ashamed to open my mouth.

I'm doing my best to change my life. I'm trying my best to live a balanced life. I'm trying my best to be a better person. I know I'm changing at a slow rate... I just hope that one day I can catch up to mediocrity.		  
     

(2 Pets | Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
Christmas and 2008   
02:29am 26/12/2008
 
mood: inspired
music: tae yang - look at me
I just finished watching a movie called The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. It is a beautiful movie... and it helped me remember that life isn't about cruising through it smoothly. Living is smiling, laughing, aching, loving, and crying...

I have held back on many occasions thinking that the right thing to do is to bite my tongue, think logically, and live peacefully. Life isn't that clean. I am really glad I told David that I liked him. Smiling with him and laughing with him the past few months was my way of living. Telling him that I cared was my leap of faith to experience more. The pain I felt from rejection is what makes love so incredibly precious. I lived through that journey and I hope the next time I like another guy.... I can still make another leap of faith.

As for David, he still isn't talking to me. It is quite sad but I do plan on apologizing to him after the break for making him feel uncomfortable. I hope we still manage as friends.

and the search goes on...		  
     

(Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
Let's be logical... = (   
07:15pm 23/12/2008
 
mood: blank
I ran a lot of errands today and I am very tired. I don't know who gave me the cookie and at the point, I've given up on guessing. It's definitely not Carlos, Grace, Ling, Erica, and the two Davids. So... I pretty much don't care anymore. I'll admit my heart sunk when I found out that Liang didn't give it to me (even though logically.... why would he?? but still... my hopes can get the best of me).

So it has been about four days and Liang hasn't bothered to contact me about the situation. I think the answer is spread out in front of me but I refuse to see it. Obviously if he liked me, he would have already called or emailed me by now. If he was in the slightest interested in me, I wouldn't be here guessing about it. If he saw me more than a friend, he wouldn't have avoided me after school on Friday evening. Even though he didn't voice anything or put anything down in words, his actions are very clear. = (

I have grown quite attached to David. I imagine it is going to be a weird and sad adjustment for me, but I will make do the best that I can. I wish things were different. I wish my feelings were returned. mm... but we can't always be that lucky right? = (		  
     

(Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
Home isn't very homey   
02:41am 23/12/2008
 
mood: hopeful
= / Why does my dad have to become manipulative every time I come home? Cant he just ever be happy?

My brother comes home in two days. I'm really excited. I haven't seen him in a year. ^^
As for David, I have received no word from him. At least I think so. I think he is avoiding me... which is sad. I hung out with David Zhang and Tim on Friday night (which traditionally liang would join us) but he told us that he had to pick up a friend from the air port. We invited Liang countless times to hang out with us and bring his friends.. but he chose to hang out with Alvin instead.

In short, I took that as "I need to stay far away from Monica until this all dies down". = / He said he would talk to me on Friday but that of course didn't happy -_-ll

Really, I don't regret what I said. I think I feel better having that out in the open. If anything, I'm really proud of myself because I let my pride go. It sucks losing a friend but at least I feel like I can finally move on with my life.

Somebody has left me a cookie in my carrel. I've asked all likely people and still no one has claimed that they have given it to me. I think I have my hopes that David left it in my carrel before he went off on the holidays (because I get my hopes up quite easily) but I'm pretty sure its not him. blarg.

But I think 2009 is going to be an awesome year for me. 2008 has been great but I think 2009 will be even better because I think I've matured a lot in the past couple of months. I can't wait to utilize my new encountered skillz in the coming year = )		  
     

(Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
Waiting   
04:26pm 19/12/2008
 
mood: it's a sad but beautiful day
I am waiting today. I might be waiting tomorrow and the entire holiday break. I may be waiting after the break… and I may be waiting until I can no longer recall my fondest memories of him. I told him last night that I liked him. It took me many trials and many moments of self doubt, but I told him.

Strangely I feel good. Even at peace. I think it felt good to say it out loud finally so I didn’t have to play anymore guessing games. I think a part of me hurts inside to think that I may have just lost a good friend in med school, but I don’t regret my confession. How foolish am I? I am embarrassed by my actions…

So… I guess that’s it.		  
     

(Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
What to do...   
09:49pm 12/12/2008
 
mood: lonely
I think you like me but can't decide what to do about it. = (

maybe a relationship right now isn't really a good time for me either... just friends.... can I really go back to thinking of you just as a friend? I am a very shy person... but I have done so much to try and show you that I like you. Even though I try so hard, you just don't see it. I left you a note... a *note* in your carrel. That's like highschool... it has nerdy drawlings and dumb remarks but I took the time to write you a note that you didn't even realize it's there on your desk. I went by starbucks today to buy Erica a christmas ornament and while I was there I saw some chocolate covered coffee beans that I know you love. I bought you a bag and left them on your carrel. I'm growing tired of trying so hard for you to see me... Why am I going out of my way to do so many things for you when you don't see it. You don't see me. = (

It shouldn't be this hard, right?

I know I can be a bit nutty. I know I have a hot temper. I am hypocritical, ambivalent on many decisions, my ego can get the best of me, and my ambitions can be clouded by random things. But I think I am still a good person... and that I have a lot to offer. I may not be the prettiest girl, the smartest girl, the most understanding girl, or the best package... I may be a regular.. normal person without anything great to give but I still like to think that someone values me and my company.

I am so foolish. I should be ashamed.		  
     

(Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
Returning to School   
03:17am 30/11/2008
 
mood: inspired
music: Look at me - Big Bang
mmm. I return to school in about 10 hours or so. I feel like during this short time... I know I can and will be okay. I feel the memories of you are becoming foggier as time passes, but whenever I think about them I smile. Isn't that silly? I have such fond memories of you in just a matter of 3-4 months. This is absolutely crazy...

I hope I give you fond memories, too. = ) I don't know what the future holds but I feel like only good things can come my way. It has been a good break. I'm excited... and centered. yoshi! ^____^		  
     

(Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
My iron fists just wants to hold your hand   
09:26pm 26/11/2008
 
mood: thoughtful
music: Tank - Fei ni mo shu
You... are changing me. I am becoming a better person because of you. I love how I feel when I spend time with you. You make me smile when I'm alone, cry when I feel rejected, laugh when I'm down... Your every word, movement, and opinion effects me. You alter my thoughts, my actions, my decisions... and I hate that. I hate liking you. I hate pining over you. I hate that you are always in my thoughts. I want more... and I hate that.

Avoiding you is hard. Reading you is hard. Do you feel the same way about me? Do I float in your thoughts? Do you come to all the events I invite you to now because maybe you actually want to spend some time with me? Do you actually lean in close to me, sit next to me, and talk to me because you want more too...? Or are you just being a good friend? Am I looking too closely into your every action? When you came to my apartment, did you feel like you were that much closer to knowing more about me? Because letting you in my personal space was meaningful to me. Did you know that while you sat next to me I wanted to hold your hand? When you tapped my shoulder to tease me, I feel like that is your way of saying that you like me. When we play balderdash with other people, and you vote for my definition even though it is obviously mine and incorrect... it makes me feel like you care. When you study with me until 2am in the morning on a Saturday night when you *never* stay up that late, is that your way of telling me to stay around?

I wish I could be the one to hold your hand... the one to fall into your arms and give you morning kisses. I don't know what I mean to you, but apparently you already mean a lot to me. How did this happen...? I wish I could make all these feelings go away. I was happy being single and I was happy just being a friend. I can't seem to escape how I feel now. I love every moment with you... but I can't continue this. Not knowing how you feel hurts. Not knowing if my feelings are returned hurts. So lets just go back to how things use to be....

I won't see you for 5 days. For the next 5 days I will put you behind... and maybe I can go back to how things use to be. Until then... I miss you.		  
     

(Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
After Black October   
02:58am 13/11/2008
 
mood: intimidated
Blerg. I've been slacking off after Black October. I don't think I'll be getting sleep tonight in order to make up my two weeks of slacking. = (

I had a long conversation with Carlos today... I learned a lot about him and his past (as he did mine). I can't imagine how we get through life sometimes, and it's amazing how strong people can be. Carlos doesn't think that there is anyone without any baggage in life... I'd like to think that there are a few rare individuals who have an ideal lifestyle. Who knows...

I wish I could be better for you. I wish I could be stronger for you. I wish I could be more focused for you. I wish I could be more ambitious for you. I wish many many things that I could be so I can lift my head and finally take a breath of fresh air. Maybe not today... maybe not tomorrow.. but one day maybe, I'll finally get to take that first breath.		  
     

(Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
Update   
09:28pm 27/10/2008
 
mood: happy
So I have successfully gotten through about 3 months worth of medschool. I am loving every moment of it. It has been a lot of hard work, a lot of good laughs, and a lot of good times... and more to come! I got through black October and I guess that means I have med school on the lock. I got my white coat just this Saturday = ) It looks spiffy.

Living in my own apartment has been really nice. If only gabby was here to complete it T-T I also seemed to have developed a constant crush on someone. That should be interesting. Can't wait for halloween...! I love the fall... as always.... that's about it!		  
     

(Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
Life as a med student   
10:36pm 20/09/2008
 
mood: complacent
So I've completed a full month of med school. Wow. This month has been such a rush. I can honestly say that I feel like I know so much yet so little at the same time. I have spent much of my time at school with my classmates and doing homework. It doesn't provide much time for me to have a life outside of school. We all study together, go to class together, drink and party together.

Adjusting to the new school work load has been hard for me. I think I need to commit around 5-6 hours of study time a day to keep up (maybe even more) outside of class. I miss sleeping long hours and doing nothing. But.. needless to say, I love every moment of med school. I've met new people and made new friends. It has been extremely hard for me to say no to going out. I've gotten use to going out on the weekends (and even witness my girl throw up her guts and pass out on the ground while 3 guys tried to get our numbers) and I'm trying my best to keep it only once a week. I think any more than that is over kill....

I miss my puppy greatly. Now that I've met someone who likes dogs just as much as I do, I find myself thinking more and more of her everyday. I hope she eats well, sleeps well, and thinks of only happy things. I've thought of getting a new dog but I don't think the time is right. I'm not over Gabby quite yet and I know I'll continue to love her for a very long time.. maybe even forever. Luckily... school has kept me busy so I haven't had much time to think of her too much and grow sad. But whereever she is... I hope she knows I love her very much as always.. = (

So, I guess my life has been turned upside down. heh. I'm still working on adjusting to my new schedule.. so bare with me.. I'll get there. I'll see my old life soon.		  
     

(1 Pet | Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
Nesting   
08:48am 20/08/2008
 
mood: calm
I'm in the middle of my first week of godland. It has been pretty awesome so far. Meeting quite a few people. and... I'm already behind in homework. Seriously?? Today is only class 2. -__-;; I know what I will be doing this weekend...

Things have been pretty crazy. Especially with my dad. I hope things work out in the end T-T I feel like I've been sleep deprived for a while. I went to bed at 9pm last night.. 9pm!! When was the last time I went to bed that early?? Anyway, my apartment still lacks the internet. I finally set up my wireless at the school yesterday though. I'm joining the hip hop dance group at UTSW.. and tonight will be the first class. I'm quite excited and I have high anticipations. I hope I don't get let down. haha..

Other than medschool slowly eating up my life, things have been pretty good. I feel like I'm loaded with money but I have no interest at the moment to spend it. I miss Gabby. <3 <3		  
     

(1 Pet | Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
Live the Legend..!   
09:44am 11/08/2008
 
mood: loved
music: Kim Tae Woo - Words I wanted to Say
I got my apartment on Saturday = ) We spent all weekend getting me a bed and cleaning up the floors. Now it's just filling it up from here on out. I'm loving every moment of it. ^^ I think I'll spend my first night there on Friday so I can just walk over to UTSW on Saturday morning for retreat.

I also got a korean study table/dinner table <3 <3 I can now train myself to sit on my legs... o.o''

Things are really coming together. I feel good about how things are piecing together. I feel like I'm moving towards something. Newlin is coming down this October <3 plus he's bringing his new girl hopefully. I haven't seen him in sooo long!

No words at this time can express my inspiration and desire to stay this way forever.

I <3 the Olympics. Every moment of it. Go team USA! Go World! <3 <3		  
     

(1 Pet | Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
Arg some grounding thoughts   
03:39am 25/07/2008
  So I haven't been very productive the past couple of weeks. Since it is the summer time, I guess I can let myself off the hook for now. A lot of it has been devoted to RO. arg. awful awful thing to happen. I hope I can trans before Med school. That would be awesome.

Anyway, there has been a lot going on my mind. I think I've been going through a lot of realizations... I just wish I could abide by them. It's so easy for me to forget what I really am doing... and hard for me to not be tempted.

I wish I could stay grounded. I love myself most when I'm grounded and I feel amazing. So let's hold on tight...

I think life is absolutely beautiful. I think my life hasn't been easy, and I certainly won't say that anyone else's life has been any easier; however I wouldn't change a thing. I think it takes incredible strength to live my life and smile. I think it takes incredible courage to stand tall when I'm beaten down by my family. I think all the emotions I go through, no matter how dark or lonely they may be, have made me stronger... and I need to be stronger. This strength is my gift to everyone else around me. I wish people who know me and spend time with me will do nothing but smile. It would be such a waste to not smile...

--cut--

I'm too lazy to finish this post. maybe another day		  
     

(Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
I miss her.. very very much   
12:46am 16/07/2008
 
mood: crushed
I miss her with all my heart. I hope she smiles and is happy everyday. I wish I could be in her life everyday to watch her grow. I wish things were different so I didn't have to miss all the things she does that make me laugh. I wish she would forget ever knowing me so she can shine that much brighter when I'm not around.

I know no one else loves you, but I do. I truly *truly* do. I couldn't have asked for anything more. Maybe one day.. we'll be together again. I <3 you. I carry you always in my heart. = (

Love Mommy		  
     

(Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
iRO Craze Continued..   
01:47am 14/07/2008
 
mood: chipper
music: Impossible to find, you're impossible to find... secondhand serenade
my aco is now level 63 and job level 46. I am soo close to priesthood. So sad T-T I am SOO deteremined to get a high priest prior to med school and hopefully a soul linker too (but I know that's pushing it).

I move in less than one month. Gaaahh.. I haven't figured anything out yet. I'm pretty excited about living on my own though = ) I can clean in my apron and bake... eeEE! I'll have my own little space to nest in ^-^ I'm getting a new bed with new bed sheets... get my own kitchen (although I'm not sure that's a good thing! bwahaha!) my own living room to decorate for the holidays. My own bathroom and closet to fill with all my new clothes! Did I meantion I went SHOPPING last week??? I got a crap load of new clothes now <3 <3 sigh... This is going to be GREAT = ) I can already tell! I've already made a list of general foods I like to eat and should stock up on in my kitchen... like mash potatoes, chips, mac and cheese, korean bbq, roasted green peas, etc. I <3 food. and YES, I am going to have hot chocolate so that in the winter I can snuggle up in something soft and warm and drink hot chocolate. ^^

Med School begins in about a month. I'll meet new classmates and apartment people. New class rooms, new school, new teachers, new friends! eeE! I'm surely going to miss my first cube in NSERL and all the people whom I have tortured everyday with my unconventional working ways, but I am still excited!

I found out that at medical retreat (in Glenrose, TX) I'll be zip lining! ZIP LINING!! EEEE! how cool is that? = ) totally wicked. I hope med school doesn't keep me too busy...Amy is coming down in September so hopefully I'll have time to have dinner with her and maybe hang out later.. and I'm thinking of also going to animefest. Not too sure but it's a possibility. I finally have a genuis plan of what I'm going to market this year so I'm too anxious to wait until June of next year....

all in all, things are falling into place finally. Life is good and I wish everyone could see that. ^-^		  
     

(Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
Stupid Stupid Man... ABSOLUTELY STUPID rant   
04:53pm 10/07/2008
 
mood: annoyed
music: Air -Jordan Sparks
I have been good. GOOD. Strangely the past 3 days have been crazy.. I found out just last night that Mark is cheating money out of his parents to spoil his new girlfriend..??? LOL. You know I have never once genuinely wished any ill wishes upon Mark but omg.. seriously??? I thought he "matured" and "grew up"... whatever happened to all of that? Does he seriously have such a low self esteem that he has to bribe his gf for affection?? going as low as begging your family for money and they don't even know where it is going?? stupid. absolutely stupid. I hope karma slaps him back in the face... whatever. I guess it's good I avoided that hazard. his life, his choices, and his fall.

that's all. to iRO = )		  
     

(Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
Ragnarok Craze   
04:06pm 06/07/2008
 
mood: RO! RO! RO!
I'm going through RO withdraws... AHHH! So much so that I'm even thinking about cosplaying as a RO character for the next convention I go to. I'm thinking Hunter or Mage. T-T

I miss RO... T-T		  
     

(4 Pets | Pet a Dust Bunny)
 
 
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